Espresso Ramblings

Things I think about while under the influence of too much coffee...or not enough coffee...

lunar phases

 

OK, now what?!?

OK, with a lot of help from Pooklekufr, I managed to use the second set of Haloscan instructions and get the trackbacks to appear...now everyone can leave comments about my dog.  I DON'T HAVE A DOG!!  Can someone rescue me from my HTML ignorance and tell me how to have the post number be here instead?

posted by: jlhpisces at April 22, 2005 18:49 | link | comments (6) |
help

Disorder in the Court

Thanks to RR for this hysterical series...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
______________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

posted by: jlhpisces at April 21, 2005 23:06 | link | comments (9) |

They're it...

So I tagged Rico and One for the "If I could be..." meme.  Check their blogs to see what they picked!

posted by: jlhpisces at April 21, 2005 22:14 | link | comments |

When I grow up...

ButterflyLane tagged me to participate in the latest meme going around...this was a good one (not to mention it made me realize that I had never linked to her site, which I love, so I had to fix that!)  See my answers below, as well as the rules...

If I could be a gardener...I would plant all of my favorite flowers – roses in yellow, and lavender with it’s yummy smell, dark-red geraniums, huge pink peonies, all of the things that I can’t seem to grow.  But if I were a gardener, they would be beautiful.  I would plant acres of all the wildflowers that my mom loves but can’t find anymore because of the “damn wineries.”  I would know why this plant in my office keeps getting yellow leaves (I’ve watered, fertilized, and everything!), and know by heart the names of all the flowers I see and like.

 

If I could be a chef...I would learn how to use a knife without feeling as if I am going to cut off the tips of my fingers.  I would make all the wonderful things that I see in the cookbook that msbhivin gave me.  I would make beef burgundy like my aunt used to (but maybe without the bay leaf).  I would discover the secret to the fantastic bread pudding I had at the Bellagio since the waiter wouldn’t tell, and the recipe for that excellent omelet at the Peppermill in Reno.  My tiramisu would be just right, not drippy, and my fried chicken wouldn’t be burned half the time!

 
If I could be a librarian...  I would live as close as I could, like a minister and his church.  I probably would drive people crazy, constantly forcing good books on them.  I would give my favorite authors rooms of their own, their own space to pass on their books that I love to others.  I’d probably end up spending all my time there, just so I could catch up on all the new books that came in.

 

If I could be a lawyer...hmm…I used to want to be a lawyer.  I used to want to rail against all the injustices I saw in the world…for everyone.  But as I got older, I realized that this was a pretty broad agenda.  Now I just look at the injustices around me (things like “why is the person in front of me driving so slowly?” and “why can’t I get the spot out of my favorite white shirt?”) and I realize that those are almost more than I can deal with.  So I don’t think I’ll go looking for more…

If I could be a writer...I would have kept all the writing I did when I was younger.  I keep hoping it’s in a box somewhere, but so far, no.  I would tell the story of my life, the narrative that runs in my head, and have it turn out as funny\sad\crazy as it sounds there.  I would write about the things I’d love to share with other people – the way watching a baseball or football game makes me feel, how it feels to be a mom.  I’d tell about the beautiful oak trees outside my window, just starting to fill with spring green colored leaves, and how the mountains in the distant look hazy and remote, like a backdrop...

 OK, so now it's my turn to tag...hmmmm, what a decision...

 

The Rules: (Copied shamelessly yet again!)  Immediately following there is a list of 22 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with "If I could be..." Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.  Send a trackback to Ogre’s post, so he’ll know just how far his happy madness has spread.

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be the oddybobo's man servant. . .
If I could be a moonbat...
If I could be a failed actor gone political...
If I could be an elementary school teacher...

posted by: jlhpisces at April 21, 2005 20:18 | link | comments (3) |

Yay, pasta...yay, tiramisu...yay, Ferraris...oh yeah, culture too!

posted by: jlhpisces at April 20, 2005 21:14 | link | comments (6) |

Check It Out

MissKitty has taken over for msbhivin at she-said-hopefully...stop in and say hi!

posted by: jlhpisces at April 20, 2005 18:06 | link | comments |

Another Interviewee

MizL kindly volunteered as well for the Interview...check her answers out here!

posted by: jlhpisces at April 20, 2005 00:57 | link | comments |

For Mary

Farewell

Farewell to thee! but not farewell
To all my fondest thoughts of thee:
Within my heart they still shall dwell;
And they shall cheer and comfort me.
O, beautiful, and full of grace!
If thou hadst never met mine eye,
I had not dreamed a living face
Could fancied charms so far outvie.

If I may ne'er behold again
That form and face so dear to me,
Nor hear thy voice, still would I fain
Preserve, for aye, their memory.

That voice, the magic of whose tone
Can wake an echo in my breast,
Creating feelings that, alone,
Can make my tranced spirit blest.

That laughing eye, whose sunny beam
My memory would not cherish less; --
And oh, that smile! whose joyous gleam
Nor mortal language can express.

Adieu, but let me cherish, still,
The hope with which I cannot part.
Contempt may wound, and coldness chill,
But still it lingers in my heart.

And who can tell but Heaven, at last,
May answer all my thousand prayers,
And bid the future pay the past
With joy for anguish, smiles for tears?

Anne Bronte

posted by: jlhpisces at April 19, 2005 19:33 | link | comments |

Yay, they took the bait!

Two people have agreed to answer my interview questions, pilfered shamelessly from "Inside the Actor's Studio."  I like these questions so much I may have to interview myself... Keep an eye on Woodland Forays for her answers and see below for my good friend S's responses (she doesn't have a blog, but still was nice enough to answer...)

Still three places left!

What is your favorite word? Shit
What is your least favorite word? No
What turns you on? A few drinks usually puts me in the mood!
What turns you off? Bad breath, and rudeness
What sound do you love? My kids laughing
What sound do you hate? My sister in law's voice
What is your favorite curse word? Shit
What profession, other than yours, would you like to attempt? Cosmetology
What profession would you not like to participate in?  I am too sensitive to work in the health field.
If Heaven exists, what would you like God to say, when you arrive at the pearly gates? Can I get my grandpa's phone number?

posted by: jlhpisces at April 14, 2005 18:02 | link | comments (4) |

Anyone? Anyone?

Still waiting for someone brave enough to consent to be interviewed...It won't hurt...much!  :)

posted by: jlhpisces at April 13, 2005 21:35 | link | comments (4) |